Saturday, May 9, 2009

My heart is breaking...

Yesterday morning Craig got a text from an old friend that we haven't seen in a while. He said that his 2yr old was in intensive care because he had swallowed a watch battery and to please pray for them. By 12:00 Craig got the text telling him that he had passed away. I knew that something was wrong when Craig called to tell me the news because he sounded different, at first my reaction wasn't really anything... what could I say... I was sad, but I still had to go and do all the normal day to day stuff. We didn't find out until later on in the day what happened and somehow knowing only makes it harder. I felt kind of cold not really knowing how I should react.

I know only one or two people read my blog so I'm just letting you know that I am writing this just to get it out. It's the middle of the night, I can't sleep... partly because Katie is at a sleep over, and the boys insisted on having there own out here in the living room on the inflatable mattresses, they are so comfortable! So you can see why I am up.

I tried not to think too much about what happened because there is nothing that we can do at this point, but it would slowly creep into my mind through out the day. And once night came around it started to drive me nuts thinking about it. You start to think how you're glad it was not you, what you would do if it was, stuff like that. It seemed like every second that I wasn't busy the thought of it would come up. By the time 5:00 came around I was feeling like there was something wrong with me because I had such a cold reaction to it all. Every one dies right? I guess when it is someone who is older we can brush it off because they were older, but when it's a little person it has to be different right? Now I'm here not able to sleep because...?

Tonight after dinner the boys and Craig were playing a game together and I took that time to read my Bible. I first went to Psa 42 for some comfort... that didn't help. So I figured I would start at the beginning maybe I would have that Ah Ha moment I was looking for so I read Psa 1&2. Well it was still no help. Anyway after that I just decided to go back to what I have been reading through and that was Eccl5.

Proof positive that when you follow your own way you end up with nothing, but when you follow Gods way you get just what you need.

I got my Ah Ha moment, but not how I had planned it out. I figured that I would look for comfort through God's word because of what had happened today, but I am not the one who needs that, yes I am very sad for our friends loss, but it is not MY loss it's theirs, they need those verses. I got exactly what I needed to see where I should go.

Eccl 5:1-2 says: 1-KEEP thy foot when thou goest to the house God, and be more ready to hear, than to give the sacrifice of fools: for they consider not that they do evil. 2- Be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter any thing before God: for God is in heaven, and thou upon the earth: therefore let thy words be few.

I know that it has more to do with not making vows you don't intend to keep, and farther in the chapter that riches here mean nothing and you can't take it with you... Which I needed a reminder about as well.

I know that I need to work on my lack of patience with my kids, God reminded me today that there is such a short amount of time with any one. I'm ashamed to admit that I have wasted some of it, and would like to be able to put what I learned to good use.

BUT DON'T YOU SEE... Like having your parent there to reassure you he said it to ME (I LOVE IT) " for God is in heaven, and thou upon the earth: therefore let thy words be few. "

He's got this one! Whats done is done, he knows what happened, he's got it under control... crisis averted... He gave me that comfort that I was looking for!

I can go to sleep now... I know today made me hug my kids and husband a little harder, as I sit here and listen to the sound of my boys breathing like I did when they were babies. Hope that when Katie comes home from her sleepover I won't be short with her for lack of sleep and her to not be crabby for the same reason. I know that I'm not a horrible mom like my heart tells me.

I want to show God that I WANT to learn from what happens, and not use it against him to suit my own purpose or feed anger in myself or others. I know where I struggle I don't need any help from others... I'm just glad that God IS always there no matter what.

And I think this Mother's Day I have a bit more to be thankful for and a big prayer for our friend.


Dawn said...

Well said, Marianne. I am praying for this family and your's also. When I read about it, I know it made me softer towards my own children. And I think you are a great mom!!!!

Mrs. Julie Fink said...

i'm praying . . . we all learn more about the value of life from times like these.

Trish said...

What a sweet post...and yes, so true how we all learn how to love our families a little more when tragedy strikes around us. Craig asked me to give you the name of that family we discussed yesterday, and we also thought of another one who has been through something similar recently. I will email them to you in just a bit. I think you are a wonderful mother :-)